I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My ass is underappreciated
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
