I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
