Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
