I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
