Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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