so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
