I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
