my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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