Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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