Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Let's get the cat blown out
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
