So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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