so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
