I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize