nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i think i just lost a toe
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
