I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
