wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just had sex on a roof
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
