He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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