I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Vodka?
Forever.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
