it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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