the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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