Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
