but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize