i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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