Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
