I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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