Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
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