brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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