I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize