If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
