Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
