Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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