You're my little dorito
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
