My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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