I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
