I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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