I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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