how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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