Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I would fuck him just for his dog
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
