He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
