either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize