Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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