Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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