At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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