Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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