Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
