ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
