I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
