I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
what day is it and did you see me today?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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