Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
