non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I deserve this hangover.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize