her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
