Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
