smell my finger.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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