Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
