There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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