it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
