We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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