yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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