i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
