Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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