My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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