The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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