Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Terrible idea I love it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
