Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
