I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Are my feet made of real feet?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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