I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize