tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize